There are lots of times I don’t think I’m cut out for this gig.  I think that it takes a special person to be a mother, and an even special-er person to be a mother with a child who has Aspergers, (or any spectrum disorder, really.)  And I don’t know why in the hell the Universe thought that I was a good candidate.  I have trouble controlling my temper, and patience isn’t my strong suit … especially during a certain time of the month.

I loathe losing my temper – it makes me feel like an awful mother & a terrible role model.  And you’d never know by looking at him that The Boy has special needs & requires extra attention and patience, but he does.  And sometimes I forget that.

I can’t understand why when I explain to him that our cat just got home from surgery and we need to be extra nice & gentle with him, and not to stomp near him, or chase him, that The Boy can’t just listen to me & understand this. I explained it 3 times in the car and reiterated it twice when we got home.  But, it’s like it goes in one ear and out the other … well, either that he just doesn’t care.  I don’t know.  I mean, he’s three years old, he can’t be that diabolical.

But he seems that way sometimes … especially after he chases and stomps by our poor cat who is totally disoriented from being sedated all damn day.  And The Boy just laughs when I flip out and send him to his room, and then he refuses to stay put.  That’s when the things escalate: I start yelling & The Boy starts laughing manically.  And let me just explain to you in case you’ve never been so upset at not being understood that you’re seeing stars, being laughed at is NOT cool.  It only makes you more incensed.  And you forget that you’re dealing with a 3 year old with Aspergers … or maybe that’s just me.

Sigh.

I’m sure the neighbors were one digit away from dialing child services.  I am not proud of these moments.  And yes, I’m admitting that it’s happened more than once, and that brings tears to my eyes.  I wish I had the patience that I see other moms exhibit.  I don’t know why I’m this way, but I hate it, and I feel like every day I’m telling myself that ‘tomorrow’s another day’ and another chance to ‘start over’ and be more patient with him.

And then, there’s the dark moments like the one I’m having now, where I think … This Boy deserves a better mom.  One who never yells, never loses her temper, and always exhibits understanding and patience & never ever loses her cool.  Do they exist?  They must, right?  Because I don’t hear any moms readily admitting they, too, have a less-than-stellar parenting moment.  Or maybe I’m just this over-achieving perfectionist who doesn’t realize that all moms lose their cool every now and then.

I feel like I’m the worst mom in the world right now.  Or maybe it’s just my PMDD gripping my heart & I’m being too hard on myself … Is it time for wine yet?  🙂